I am a person with a lot of fears. And to complicate the matter, when it comes to fight or flight I am a “flighter” not a fighter. My personal survival tendencies have caused no small measure of irritation, frustration and paralyzation in my internal world. When pressed to move beyond my fears I often get sick and tired of being me. It is such hard work that I frequently want to give up.

I realize that the root of my spiritual problem is one of faith. My fears win when I believe them over God, when they are weightier than my God image or my current God experience. It feels like an internal freefall with nowhere to land. Hitting ground might hurt but it seems preferable over the continual fall.

I don’t have all the answers for my fears. I just keep coming back to my relationship with God. At this point in my life, He is all I have. I have looked into the abyss of my own heart and I know I have no ability to save myself.

This may seem like a strange blog entry especially at this time...

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Often, I feel like I cannot do what I need or want to do. I have in my mind a list of things I want to accomplish in a given day. But, I find myself getting distracted and by day’s end, and I look back over my day with disgust and disappointment at myself for not living up to the standard I’d set up for myself in my mind. I then start beating myself up. I berate myself in my thoughts, telling myself how much I’ve screwed up and that there must be something wrong with me. I might try to figure out why I messed up, but usually the answer will always come back to the...

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